Tom
Pender contributed this to the Yahoo chat site and it looks worth adding
to the site.
How to Simulate Shipboard Life – US Navy style…
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet.
2. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the
curtain, shine
a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your
bathtub and
move the shower head down to chest level.
5. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while
soaping.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking
chair and rock
as hard as you can until you're nauseous.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to
"High." (For that
shipboard smell)
8. Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night. Have your
family
vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
9. (Leave lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for
proper
noise level. Mandatory for ex-engineering types)
10. Have the paper boy give you a haircut.
11. Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure
the
wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house.
Laugh at him
when he curses you.
12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up
garbage in
the other side of your bathtub.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich
on stale bread. (Optional: Canned ravioli or cold soup)
14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in
your
food cabinets or refrigerator.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night.
When it goes
off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run
out into
your yard and break out the garden hose.
16. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then
put
them back together.
17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6
hours before
drinking.
18. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit
for a couple of
months.
19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee
table and lie
under it to read books.
20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back
doors to
that you either trip of the threshold or hit your head on the sill
every time you
pass though one of them.
21. Lockwire the lug nuts on your car.
22. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking.
Then
spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
23. Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout "Man
Overboard ship recovery!" Run into the kitchen and sweep all the
pots/pans/dishes off the counter onto the floor, then yell at
your wife for not
having the place "stowed for sea."
24. Put on the headphone from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and
stand in
front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned
and ready."
Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in
particular) "Stove
secured." Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
25. Paint your house and roof haze gray… tell your wife it was ordered
in the
Plan of the Day.
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